The Courage to be disliked (Book Review)

Cover of "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, a bestselling book that explores transformative ideas on personal growth and happiness through the lens of Adlerian psychology.

The courage to be disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

A thought-provoking read that challenges how we see happiness, freedom, and approval — teaching us that peace comes when we stop living for others.

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💫 People fabricate anger

The author had an interesting take on anger, that anger is not a spontaneous emotion but rather a tool people consciously or unconsciously fabricate to achieve a purpose—such as controlling others, avoiding responsibility, or asserting power. Once we recognize anger as a chosen behavior rather than an unavoidable feeling, we can take responsibility for it and respond more constructively in our relationships.

💫 All problems are interpersonal relationships problems

The authors explain that at the root of nearly every emotional struggle—anxiety, jealousy, or self-doubt—lies a problem in how we relate to others. Human suffering often stems from comparisons, competition, and the desire for approval. The moment we start measuring our worth against someone else’s, we lose sight of our own life tasks. By improving our relationships, we begin to resolve our internal conflicts.

💫 Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others

Here we explore the idea of separating your own “tasks” from those that belong to others. The authors emphasize that much of our unhappiness comes from trying to meet others’ expectations or seeking their approval. When we live for external validation, we surrender our freedom. True happiness, they argue, lies in focusing only on what’s within our control—our own choices, actions, and goals—while letting go of how others perceive or judge us. Living authentically means having the courage to disappoint others in order to stay true to yourself.

💫 The encouragement approach

The author  highlights the transformative power of encouragement over praise or criticism. The authors explain that encouragement focuses on effort, progress, and the belief in one’s ability to grow, while praise often reinforces dependency on approval. True encouragement helps people recognize their inherent worth and potential, fostering self-reliance and confidence. By shifting from judgment to support, we create relationships rooted in trust and equality—where everyone feels capable of contributing to the community.

💫 Live like you’re dancing

Compare life to dancing rather than climbing a mountain. The authors explain that life isn’t a linear path toward a final goal but an ongoing, flowing movement in the present moment. Just as dancing is about enjoying each step instead of fixating on the finish, living well means focusing on the now—not on success, recognition, or outcomes. When we treat life as a performance for others, we lose our rhythm; but when we live authentically and fully in each moment, we experience true freedom and joy.

💫 Give meaning to a seemingly meaningless life

Here the authors explore the idea that life has no inherent meaning—only the meaning we choose to give it. The authors explain that even when faced with pain, failure, or uncertainty, we hold the power to assign purpose to our experiences. Rather than asking, “What is the meaning of life?”, we are encouraged to ask, “What meaning can I create through how I live right now?” By choosing contribution, connection, and growth, we transform a seemingly meaningless life into one rich with self-chosen purpose.